Chapter 1
Another job done. Another Big Bear descendant dead.
Squirty Purty wriggled out of his pregnant lady pants and wriggled into his super-tight assassin outfit. He grabbed a tomato sauce bottle and squirted it down his front to create the illusion he had done the job in those clothes.
His fat belly popped out and he sighed and grabbed his Rubber Belly Smallinator and wrenched it over his head. It was a bit small, he needed a new one. Oh well. Squirty Purty was late, so he went out the door.
Squirty Purty wriggled out of his pregnant lady pants and wriggled into his super-tight assassin outfit. He grabbed a tomato sauce bottle and squirted it down his front to create the illusion he had done the job in those clothes.
His fat belly popped out and he sighed and grabbed his Rubber Belly Smallinator and wrenched it over his head. It was a bit small, he needed a new one. Oh well. Squirty Purty was late, so he went out the door.
Chapter 2
"Hi everyone. Sorry I'm late, sir," Squirty said, speaking to the boss. The boss harrumphed and went back to his lecture on the uses of tomato sauce. Squirty leaned back. He knew all this stuff. Suddenly, with a bang like a balloon popping, the Smallinator snapped and a piece flew into the boss' eye.
"Arrrgh! My eye! I can't see! I'll die!" screamed the boss.
"No, sir, if the rubber had pierced the optic nerve, you wouldn't be alive to say that, sir." said Kimberly Klark, his secretary.
"I'll make the decisions around here, Klark." rumbled the boss. Kimberly looked down sadly. The boss moved around to look at Squirty.
"Purty! As you VERY WELL know, the first rule of being an assassin is NO GETTING FAT. You are VERY VERY FAT! You are like a neutron star. You must have been deceiving us! You must go on the Neutron Star Diet. Now, as we have no use for BIG FAT NEUTRON STARS like you, OUT! Until you are half your weight, NO KILLING ANYBODY. OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!"
Squirty hung his head and trudged out the door. The next day, Squirty returned from the dietician very sad, with arms laden with soybeans, chia, sesame and cardamom.
That night, Squirty went to bed feeling bloated from the seeds when a great roar sounded from under the sheets. Squirty lifted them, only to be hit by a great wave of horrible stink. Had the seeds made him fart? Squirty fell into an uneasy sleep.
The next day, Squirty went back to the dietician's and explained last night's events.
"See?" he said as another great, stinky roar exploded from his buttocks. "It is not my diet. My diets are fabulous, and 100% fart-free. Now, OUT OUT OUT OUT!" shrieked the dietician.
Squirty left, miserable. He began to walk home, his farts propelling him along. After many screams and passed-out pedestrians, the fart police grabbed Squirty. He tried to fart to make them let go, but their World War II-like gas masks were too strong.
"Arrrgh! My eye! I can't see! I'll die!" screamed the boss.
"No, sir, if the rubber had pierced the optic nerve, you wouldn't be alive to say that, sir." said Kimberly Klark, his secretary.
"I'll make the decisions around here, Klark." rumbled the boss. Kimberly looked down sadly. The boss moved around to look at Squirty.
"Purty! As you VERY WELL know, the first rule of being an assassin is NO GETTING FAT. You are VERY VERY FAT! You are like a neutron star. You must have been deceiving us! You must go on the Neutron Star Diet. Now, as we have no use for BIG FAT NEUTRON STARS like you, OUT! Until you are half your weight, NO KILLING ANYBODY. OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!"
Squirty hung his head and trudged out the door. The next day, Squirty returned from the dietician very sad, with arms laden with soybeans, chia, sesame and cardamom.
That night, Squirty went to bed feeling bloated from the seeds when a great roar sounded from under the sheets. Squirty lifted them, only to be hit by a great wave of horrible stink. Had the seeds made him fart? Squirty fell into an uneasy sleep.
The next day, Squirty went back to the dietician's and explained last night's events.
"See?" he said as another great, stinky roar exploded from his buttocks. "It is not my diet. My diets are fabulous, and 100% fart-free. Now, OUT OUT OUT OUT!" shrieked the dietician.
Squirty left, miserable. He began to walk home, his farts propelling him along. After many screams and passed-out pedestrians, the fart police grabbed Squirty. He tried to fart to make them let go, but their World War II-like gas masks were too strong.
Chapter 3
Squirty watched the Fart Prison grow closer. The fart police had told him that his farts were so strong that he wouldn't even get a trial. He was going straight to Fart Prison. They had even begun to call him 'The Farty Party'.
Chapter 4
Squirty Purty miserably munched another mouthful of disgusting seeds. The dietician had insisted that Squirty had paid for the full diet, and, even if he was in fart prison, he was going to finish it.
He sighed as his stomach began to gurgle. Oh no. With a noise like thunder crashing, another wave of wind passed into the air. All the lights went out from the shock. Squirty grabbed a match and lit it. KABOOOOOOOM! The whole cell exploded!
Suddenly, prison guards began to swarm towards Squirty. They dumped him in a nice, light room, and decided that he should be put off the diet, and food in general, until they worked out what was making him fart.
He sighed as his stomach began to gurgle. Oh no. With a noise like thunder crashing, another wave of wind passed into the air. All the lights went out from the shock. Squirty grabbed a match and lit it. KABOOOOOOOM! The whole cell exploded!
Suddenly, prison guards began to swarm towards Squirty. They dumped him in a nice, light room, and decided that he should be put off the diet, and food in general, until they worked out what was making him fart.
Chapter 5
Squirty checked the scales. 15000000000kg. The guards had given him a set of scales so he could check if he had reached critical mass. That was less than half of what he used to be, before the stupid diet.
Wait a second... didn't the boss say that he couldn't go back until he was half of what he was? Squirty's thoughts were interrupted by the guard coming in.
"Here. Since you haven't reached fatal bloatedness this week, you can have some seeds, from your diet."
"Can I have a bag as well?" asked Squirty Purty.
"Sure. But make sure you put it well over your butt." Said the guard with a wink.
"Uh. Right. Of course." said Squirty as the guard left the room.
Wait a second... didn't the boss say that he couldn't go back until he was half of what he was? Squirty's thoughts were interrupted by the guard coming in.
"Here. Since you haven't reached fatal bloatedness this week, you can have some seeds, from your diet."
"Can I have a bag as well?" asked Squirty Purty.
"Sure. But make sure you put it well over your butt." Said the guard with a wink.
"Uh. Right. Of course." said Squirty as the guard left the room.
Chapter 6
Squirty grabbed the spoon of the seeds and began to dig into the ground. The bag of seeds hung at his side. He was nearly outside when he heard footsteps along the tunnel.
"Mr Purty, put the spoon down." said a young guard, whose gas mask was a little too loose.
"If you come any closer, I'll eat the seeds." said our hero.
"I'm going, I'm going!" shrieked the guard.
Squirty finished his digging, and went to the assassin boss to ask for forgiveness.
"What? Oh, sure, whatever." said the chief with barely a glance. Squirty smiled and began to plan his next assassination; the dietician.
"Mr Purty, put the spoon down." said a young guard, whose gas mask was a little too loose.
"If you come any closer, I'll eat the seeds." said our hero.
"I'm going, I'm going!" shrieked the guard.
Squirty finished his digging, and went to the assassin boss to ask for forgiveness.
"What? Oh, sure, whatever." said the chief with barely a glance. Squirty smiled and began to plan his next assassination; the dietician.